Life...and other ponderings

Recently, I’ve been pondering life a bit more. Well, truthfully, I ponder life a lot…I just don’t always confess said ponderings. For example, why is it that glue doesn’t stick to the inside of the bottle? Why are there Braille dots on drive up ATMs? I mean, if you don’t trust the person driving you to take out your cash; there are bigger problems afoot. Why do 5 out of 4 people have trouble with math?

Ok, I know the answer to that last question-Math’s hard.

Ok…Ok…for real. I’ve been pondering REAL life questions lately. About things that matter…like life, love, what makes you happy and such. To be honest, I’ve spent the better part of my life being fake happy. Don’t get me wrong, I have had some AWESOME moments in life: traveling and living overseas, helping people, everyday funny nonsense, a good job, a cute house. I’ve also had plenty of NOT so awesome moments as well: divorced parents who were a little nasty to each other, heartache, failure, fear….The list goes on and on. Back to fake happy, or as I shall refer to it-Fappy.

To be honest, as a person, I always felt like I had that down. I think I’m fairly funny, I’m sensitive and empathetic, I care a great deal about people (probably too much), I love doing nice things for others. That is all “inside” stuff…the outside was my arch nemesis-like how Will Wheaton is Sheldon Cooper’s nemesis. To the outside world, I’m sure no one knew how much I disliked myself. Much of my self-loathing came from this perception I had growing up. I mean, I remember my dad talking about my “pretty friends” and how proud their parents must be proud of them or how they had boyfriends. I can’t remember one time in my life my dad just calling me beautiful…unless it was like this: “You have such a pretty face, if you just lost some weight….”   

Ahh...daddy issues...My dad, as most fathers are, was hard on us when we were growing up. I’m the youngest and only girl in my family. I have two half-brothers and two step brothers. Don’t get me wrong, my position in the family always afforded me a bit of “looking after.” I was sheltered a bit on certain things, maybe too sheltered?  He always put a lot of pressure on us with our looks, performance in life etc… We were also an “open family” and allegedly we could bring any issue to the table and talk about it…Allegedly. In reality, if our thoughts/feelings were in contrast with my dad’s then they were wrong.  At an early age, I learned a couple things: 1. to be agreeable and push down any conflicting thoughts, opinions or feelings that were in conflict with my dad or any adult male in my life and 2. Food was a constant friend. Now, like most people in the Appalachia/Southern part of the US, food is another family member. When you go to someone’s house, the first thing they usually say is, “Hey y’all! Did ya eat? What can I fix y’all?” When we had company over to visit, we sat at the dining room table and ate and talked for hours. When I went to college, my friends and I would sit in the dinin’ hall for hours eating and talking. Food is/was a social event in my life from an early age and still is. I LOVE food. I love cooking food, I love cooking for other people more, I love the whole process of planning a meal and shopping for it then preparing it. This love of food is what brings about this post.

In late May/early June 2012, I contemplated a question that I have avoided for about 878 years: “What are you living for? More importantly, what are you doing to live?” The honest answer, on both counts, was “Not much.” Weight had always been an issue for me. I gained weight when my parents got divorced (previously, I was very tiny) and as their relationship got uglier, I ate more. I began to use food for comfort during any emotion I was having. If I was sad, I ate. If we were celebrating something, break out the cheesecake. If I was having a hard day, pass the fried chicken and I’ll have about 67 pieces of it. So, after years of being so unhappy with myself and avoiding any important discussion about my weight, I decided to look myself in the eye and ask, “What are you living for?” When I was honest and said, “Not much,” it broke my heart. I was just existing. I decided then and there that I wasn’t going to hate myself in pictures anymore, I wasn’t going to avoid social situations where I didn’t think I’d be comfortable because of my appearance. I decided that I wanted a partner in my life, a man who would love me as I am but push me to be better and I wasn’t going to be around for him long if I continued on this unhealthy lifestyle. I don’t think I want kids but what if he had children? What kind of role model would I be if I was so unhealthy? Most importantly, I wasn’t happy….I needed to do this for me! I decided that it was now…or never. I could continue to live in defeat and be pissed at my situation/genetics or I could take ownership of my life and start really living it.

The next day, I called a local gym and set up an appointment. They were running an offer and I got a discount for joining and since I love a good bargain-the stars aligned with it! Haha!  I started watching my food intake (using the app: myfitnesspal), I cut out cokes, sweet tea (this one REALLY hurt), coffee and a lot of food that I previously loved. I started working out every day, eating more healthy food options and before long I saw results!  To date, I’ve lost a little over 105lbs! I can’t even believe it sometimes! I feel so much better, I sleep better, I look better and my confidence is much higher.

Now, this did NOT come easy! I had to go to extremes and cut out a lot of things and be very regimented because I’m not the kind of personality that can just “have a little bit of this…” and be ok. No. I have to have NONE of it for a long time and then slowly inch it back in sporadically. Not everyone is like that. Most sane people need to slowly cut out things or have them in moderation and they are okay and that helps them stay on track. I’ve always been a bit different, so I have to go to one extreme in order to find middle ground. I mentioned previously, that I’m passionate about food and the culture of food in our area. I still am passionate about it…I just funnel that passion into different kinds of food. Thankfully, my friends and family have been very supportive. I’ve even started dating…which is really freaking weird and another post for another day.  I should also add that I still have major struggles. I still hate myself sometimes. I definitely still see the old me when I look in the mirror. I try on clothes that are too big for me because I haven’t grasped the concept of my new body. I freak out a little inside when someone comments on how different I look because I’m not entirely comfortable with that attention but I’m also embarrassed that I have more weight to lose. What I keep in mind is the fact that I’m doing it, that I’m taking control of this part of my life, is enough. Who cares that there is more to go? The fact that I’m being proactive is MOST of the battle, right? And, lesibehonest (a little Fat Amy for ya), who doesn’t have something they don’t want to fix about themselves or that they don’t NEED to fix about themselves? We all do!  

So, what are you doing to live?