Here's the deal

Here's the deal...I've been buisier than a one armed paper hanger.....I pray that things 1. get better and 2. my stress level decreases. I'm getting frown lines and I'm too young to look old! :)

I feel like I'm learning some interesting lessons and if I had time, I'd elaborate but I don't so just know that maybe there will be a post about my progress thru the mud to have my feet set on high places. *Fingers crossed*

Lastly, I leave you with this: I feel like, as I go back and read the quotes, that Jack Handy knew his stuff. I mean, his perspective on life was an interesting one and who can ignore the sarcastic genius that is his brain? Not I...Not I.

Hope all is well with y'all. Be love to each other every day...its all we got!

Love,
Beanie.

PS...Um have you watched the Mortal Instruments trailer? OMGG!!!

Goodbyes....

At some point in their lives, everyone says goodbye to something. We say goodbye to friends, family, lovers, addictions, things….Life is full of goodbyes. Some are harder than others…Some are necessary. Some goodbyes break our hearts because they are the right thing to do. Other times, goodbye feels good because you’ve finally taken control of your situation and kicked whatever it is to the curb.

In my life, I’ve gotten familiar with goodbye. I’ve had to say goodbye to things in my life that trip me up (food, parts of my thought life), I’ve had to say goodbye to co-workers when I moved jobs and while I still see them from time to time, it isn’t the same. I’ve said goodbye to one of my best friends when she moved and got married. I said goodbye to my daddy when he passed away. Recently, I had to say (sorta) goodbye to a great guy because timing is a heartless b*tch and that sucks.

In all my goodbyes I’ve realized some things:

 1. Goodbyes, whether for the right reason or not, are always hard and most usually suck (for lack of a better word). While they may be necessary, they can rip your friggin heart right out of your chest. If any of you know me, you know I hate any sort of emotional pain. I have been known to avoid shows (cough Friday Night Lights cough) because they are emotionally draining on me. I know, I have issues. I mean, those characters aren’t real but their stories mirror someone’s story somewhere and I hate to know people hurt or are suffering. If it is someone I care about…I can’t even. *Confessions of an over-feeler*  

2. Goodbyes can steal your joy for a minute BUT the sun comes back ‘round. As David Grey says, there is always a silver lining. PS, his music is perfect for melancholy moments and he is on my Pandora at the moment, only furthering my melancholy state. No worries, I’ll snap out of it….I just need a minute to be sad.  

3.  Sometimes, being strong means being able to let go. To say I struggle with this would be an understatement. I’m notorious for NOT putting myself first. I don’t say that to brag but to confess my mess. I am always too concerned with someone else’s situation and how I can help or be there for them. However, I’m learning. Sometimes, you have to take assessment of your feelings/emotions/thoughts etc and contrast them with the situation that is causing the reaction you are having. Is it worth it? Is it healthy? Is this making you better or tearing you down? At the end of the day, what are you learning? I mentioned I had to sorta say goodbye to an excellent dude because of timing. He is so fun, cute, sweet, and smart, not ignorant, a hard worker, great dad, has character and integrity…So, what is wrong with this picture, you ask? Well, he is going through some things and not air his dirty (anonymous) laundry, he is a bit emotionally unavailable right now in terms of commitment or exclusivity. While I’m not looking for “serious” at the moment, I eventually want it. We met on a dating site and there are other people in the mix, more-so on his side. I can’t exist in that right now with the feelings I have for him. If it were possible to take a month to see where it goes and if it works out great, if not back to the site, then I’d be down with that but he cant. Right now, he needs lots of light, easy beginnings because commitment is scary and I get that. I’m sorry that I can’t be what he needs and he is sorry he can’t be what I need.  

My point in this is, while it was very hard for me to say that I had to “bench” myself, it was the right thing to do. It was right for me for a million emotional reasons and it was right for him because it isn’t fair for me to want something from him that he can’t give me…or anyone right now.  I wish I could be a part of his healing journey. I wish I could show him that things would be different, that there could be a woman out there who would desire every inch of him all the time, who would love to do things for him because she wants to, a chick who would appreciate the things he does and who he is and tell/show him. Alas…timing is a terrible whore.  

4.  Goodbyes make you better, if you look at what you are learning in the midst of it.  When my dad passed away, my niece was born at the same time. I was such a tornado of emotions. My father, whom I loved, just left his life but here was this precious new life just starting. I remember coming home and sitting on the couch with her. I just held her on my chest and she fell asleep after a particularly fantastic screaming fit and I eventually found much needed sleep in that moment. It was one of the most precious times in my life. I was able to see how goodbyes can bring about amazing hellos. I had to say goodbye to my dad but I am able to have a hello with my niece and she is so cool (12 years old now).

So…I’m hopeful for a new hello…I’m not sure what kind it will be but I’m sure it is there. I have to trust this. I have to trust that God knows my heart and what I need and is faithful to bring that around. I have been through enough valleys in my life to know mountain tops eventually happen. Life is messy, it brings joy, it brings pain and it brings healing. Winter comes but spring is a promise we always have. We go through seasons in our lives to learn, grow and change. While change scares the crap out of me, it is a necessary evil.

Per usual, I turn to inspirational quotes to get me through:

“May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face and the rain fall softly on your fields. And until we meet again, May God hold you in the hollow of his hand.” Irish Blessing

 

“It’s not how you fall but how you rise.”

 

Xoxo

beanie

Life...and other ponderings

Recently, I’ve been pondering life a bit more. Well, truthfully, I ponder life a lot…I just don’t always confess said ponderings. For example, why is it that glue doesn’t stick to the inside of the bottle? Why are there Braille dots on drive up ATMs? I mean, if you don’t trust the person driving you to take out your cash; there are bigger problems afoot. Why do 5 out of 4 people have trouble with math?

Ok, I know the answer to that last question-Math’s hard.

Ok…Ok…for real. I’ve been pondering REAL life questions lately. About things that matter…like life, love, what makes you happy and such. To be honest, I’ve spent the better part of my life being fake happy. Don’t get me wrong, I have had some AWESOME moments in life: traveling and living overseas, helping people, everyday funny nonsense, a good job, a cute house. I’ve also had plenty of NOT so awesome moments as well: divorced parents who were a little nasty to each other, heartache, failure, fear….The list goes on and on. Back to fake happy, or as I shall refer to it-Fappy.

To be honest, as a person, I always felt like I had that down. I think I’m fairly funny, I’m sensitive and empathetic, I care a great deal about people (probably too much), I love doing nice things for others. That is all “inside” stuff…the outside was my arch nemesis-like how Will Wheaton is Sheldon Cooper’s nemesis. To the outside world, I’m sure no one knew how much I disliked myself. Much of my self-loathing came from this perception I had growing up. I mean, I remember my dad talking about my “pretty friends” and how proud their parents must be proud of them or how they had boyfriends. I can’t remember one time in my life my dad just calling me beautiful…unless it was like this: “You have such a pretty face, if you just lost some weight….”   

Ahh...daddy issues...My dad, as most fathers are, was hard on us when we were growing up. I’m the youngest and only girl in my family. I have two half-brothers and two step brothers. Don’t get me wrong, my position in the family always afforded me a bit of “looking after.” I was sheltered a bit on certain things, maybe too sheltered?  He always put a lot of pressure on us with our looks, performance in life etc… We were also an “open family” and allegedly we could bring any issue to the table and talk about it…Allegedly. In reality, if our thoughts/feelings were in contrast with my dad’s then they were wrong.  At an early age, I learned a couple things: 1. to be agreeable and push down any conflicting thoughts, opinions or feelings that were in conflict with my dad or any adult male in my life and 2. Food was a constant friend. Now, like most people in the Appalachia/Southern part of the US, food is another family member. When you go to someone’s house, the first thing they usually say is, “Hey y’all! Did ya eat? What can I fix y’all?” When we had company over to visit, we sat at the dining room table and ate and talked for hours. When I went to college, my friends and I would sit in the dinin’ hall for hours eating and talking. Food is/was a social event in my life from an early age and still is. I LOVE food. I love cooking food, I love cooking for other people more, I love the whole process of planning a meal and shopping for it then preparing it. This love of food is what brings about this post.

In late May/early June 2012, I contemplated a question that I have avoided for about 878 years: “What are you living for? More importantly, what are you doing to live?” The honest answer, on both counts, was “Not much.” Weight had always been an issue for me. I gained weight when my parents got divorced (previously, I was very tiny) and as their relationship got uglier, I ate more. I began to use food for comfort during any emotion I was having. If I was sad, I ate. If we were celebrating something, break out the cheesecake. If I was having a hard day, pass the fried chicken and I’ll have about 67 pieces of it. So, after years of being so unhappy with myself and avoiding any important discussion about my weight, I decided to look myself in the eye and ask, “What are you living for?” When I was honest and said, “Not much,” it broke my heart. I was just existing. I decided then and there that I wasn’t going to hate myself in pictures anymore, I wasn’t going to avoid social situations where I didn’t think I’d be comfortable because of my appearance. I decided that I wanted a partner in my life, a man who would love me as I am but push me to be better and I wasn’t going to be around for him long if I continued on this unhealthy lifestyle. I don’t think I want kids but what if he had children? What kind of role model would I be if I was so unhealthy? Most importantly, I wasn’t happy….I needed to do this for me! I decided that it was now…or never. I could continue to live in defeat and be pissed at my situation/genetics or I could take ownership of my life and start really living it.

The next day, I called a local gym and set up an appointment. They were running an offer and I got a discount for joining and since I love a good bargain-the stars aligned with it! Haha!  I started watching my food intake (using the app: myfitnesspal), I cut out cokes, sweet tea (this one REALLY hurt), coffee and a lot of food that I previously loved. I started working out every day, eating more healthy food options and before long I saw results!  To date, I’ve lost a little over 105lbs! I can’t even believe it sometimes! I feel so much better, I sleep better, I look better and my confidence is much higher.

Now, this did NOT come easy! I had to go to extremes and cut out a lot of things and be very regimented because I’m not the kind of personality that can just “have a little bit of this…” and be ok. No. I have to have NONE of it for a long time and then slowly inch it back in sporadically. Not everyone is like that. Most sane people need to slowly cut out things or have them in moderation and they are okay and that helps them stay on track. I’ve always been a bit different, so I have to go to one extreme in order to find middle ground. I mentioned previously, that I’m passionate about food and the culture of food in our area. I still am passionate about it…I just funnel that passion into different kinds of food. Thankfully, my friends and family have been very supportive. I’ve even started dating…which is really freaking weird and another post for another day.  I should also add that I still have major struggles. I still hate myself sometimes. I definitely still see the old me when I look in the mirror. I try on clothes that are too big for me because I haven’t grasped the concept of my new body. I freak out a little inside when someone comments on how different I look because I’m not entirely comfortable with that attention but I’m also embarrassed that I have more weight to lose. What I keep in mind is the fact that I’m doing it, that I’m taking control of this part of my life, is enough. Who cares that there is more to go? The fact that I’m being proactive is MOST of the battle, right? And, lesibehonest (a little Fat Amy for ya), who doesn’t have something they don’t want to fix about themselves or that they don’t NEED to fix about themselves? We all do!  

So, what are you doing to live?

Get in MY BELLY! Food for ya

So, here is one of my favorite meals that is super easy and you CANNOT mess it up. It is definitely one of those things that takes like 27 seconds to make and will fill you up! It is also pretty cheap. My mama made this growin' up and I make it alot now.

What you need:
1 Pkg of Turkey kielbalsa (or regular kielbalsa sausage)
1 medium onion
1-2 cloves of garlic
4-6 red (new) potatoes
Stoplight peppers (red, green and yellow)- You will only use 1/2 of each, unless you are having alot of people over then just double everything. Well, I'm not good with math or amounts, so use your best judgement.
Salt/pepper
Lawry's seasoning
EVOO

First, get your skillet on the stove and take a couple swirls around with the EVOO. Next, prepare your veggies. Mince the garlic. Cut your peppers, onions and potatoes into biteish sized pieces. I throw the potatoes in first because they usually take the longest to cook and then proceed with cutting the rest of the veggies (I usually go ahead and throw the garlic in at this point too). Stir the 'taters a little bit.

Enjoy a tasty adult beverage.

Toss in the peppers and onions. At this point, add your salt, pepper and Lawry's seasoning. Truthfully, I usually layer seasonings but not everyone does. If you like it lightly seasoned, then do it here. If you like alot of flava flav, then layer it!

Cut the kielbasa on an angle, about 1/4 in thickness or as thick as you like it.  Toss in the kielbasa in the same skillet as everything else and keep an eye on it. Shake your skillet b/c all cooks do this and it looks cool. Or you can just stir that mess around.

After the potatoes seem done and everything is cooked: Put that deliciousness on a plate and enjoy it. I can speak from experience that this is good with a cold beer.

Enjoy!
beanie.

Life Quotes…What kind of broad are ya?

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.” ― Mae West

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” ― Marilyn Monroe

“It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone

I love quotes…so much so that I have a whole board dedicated to them on pinterest…yeah…that means it is major! But seriously, I do love them. I think the ones I love most tend to not necessarily be from a specific topic such as love, life or the pursuit of happiness but from people that i feel like really made a dent in culture or society. Take the 3 quotes above….Mae West was one h*ll of a cool lady who, in her time, rocked the boat and was considered provocative and I guess she was. Marilyn was such a sex symbol and J.K. got kids to put down their Xbox controllers and read a book.
Now, I don’t select them because they are women…I honestly tend to lean more toward male wisdom (another post for another day) but I choose them because I think these quotes in particular are kind of powerful and I’ll explain why…

I think alot of us go through life just by going through the motions. We go to school to get a job after college….I’m not sure that alot of us know what our passions are…I didn’t for a while and maybe still don’t all the time know what they are. Mae’s quote makes me realize the weight of our lives. Sometimes all I can want is a quiet life where everything is safe and planned out but then the core of me screams, “Heck no! Get out there and make some waves in a good way!” I want to look back on my life and tell my grandkids (ya, know if i have any) that sometimes life isn’t about doing what is safe or controlled…some of the best lessons (and maybe stories) in my life are from times where I just kinda threw caution to the wind and went with it. When my neice was going to college I wrote her a card that I later found out she kept. In it I said, “These are some of the best times of your life….make mistakes, question everything but look for the answers in solid places and people…get a tattoo, pierce something (she has done both)…whatever! just find yourself.” Make your life count…..do it right….leave a legacy no matter how small.

Marilyn-listen…she had issues but she was kinda cool. I know some of it was tragic and such but she makes a good point in the quote I have for her. The reason I love this one so much is because the majority of us want to be loved, accepted and appreciated. Depending on how twisted your upbringing was, you have different ideas on how that looks. I think for me, I tend to have a hard time believing someone could love my emotional mess. My life wasn’t perfect, it was healthy in alot of ways but it wasn’t all bad either. I struggle with feeling like I need to be perfect for my future husband….the perfect homemaker, wife, friend, lover, mother whatever it is….I tend to hid the dark and twisty times I go thru b/c some how I have it in my brain that I’m not allowed to have those times. I’m really hard on myself. I re-read this quote over and over b/c it is a good reminder to me that sometimes I’m all of those things and someone out there is going to figure it out sooner or later so he better be able to handle it because if he can’t-he ain’t worth it!

Lastly, don’t dwell on dreams…don’t get me wrong…I’m not saying don’t dream. You HAVE to have dreams to work toward but don’t let them be just that-dreams…make them your reality! I’m slowly getting there with some dreams I don’t think will ever come true and they won’t as long as I think that way! Like Maya Angelou said, “Grab life by the collar and say LET’S DO THIS!”
What are your life quotes? What inspires you? Who do you read to light a fire under your rear?
xoxo,
beanie.

Yelling Box

Sometimes in life you just want a yelling box…You know when you have had a tough week at work, maybe your people are driving you bananas or it has been one crap storm after the other. What is a yelling box, you ask? Please allow me to paint a picture.

A yelling box could be one of the greatest inventions of all time. This is a box made to size that is padded, soundproof and probably not clear. I say not clear b/c maybe you will be looking ugly when you yell…or making obscene gestures or perhaps you just don’t want anyone to see you flinging your arms around like a crazy person….wait…that is what i look like when i’m mad. My yelling box would be a beautiful wooden box that my brother would make-he is a lovely wood smith? wood maker? Anyways, he can make all kinds of crap and its awesome-check him out on facebook. But it would probably be in the cherry family, with a cute door and probably a bit like a curvy wardrobe.

The purpose of this box would be for me to step in and let it out. sometimes, i get so frustrated at either myself or someone or something going on around me. i get this tense knot in my right shoulder and i could either scream or cry. I try to hold it in b/c i don’t like me when i’m mad. i like me when i’m happy, funny and laughing.

i think boxes could probably save alot of marriages and relationships. think about it, you could go in and rip your significant other or friend a new one-say all the things you really wouldn’t want to say to hurt their feelings (or maybe you would, who knows) and then step out of it feeling refreshed and violence free….i may be onto something here….the possibilities are endless:

Teachers: OH CRAP! THESE KIDS ACT LIKE THEY AIN’T GOT NO KIND OF SENSE! DID YOU EVEN DO YOUR HOMEWORK? OH, YOU GOT LOST GOING TO THE BATHROOM….UUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHH

Wife/Husband: DON’T YOU DARE SAY, “FINE” B/C I KNOW IT’S NOT! WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T LIKE MY MOTHER? OH, NO…HE IS YOUR SON-YOU GO TO THE POLICE STATION.

Co-Workers- OH, SURE…JUST TAKE ALL THE CREDIT WHILE I DO ALL THE WORK….YES, I HAVE PLANS FOR THE WEEKEND BUT SURE…I’LL COME IN AND DO YOUR JOB…

man…i don’t even fit all of those categories and i feel better….so, what about you? what is your yelling box?
xoxo,
beanie.