At some point in their lives, everyone says goodbye to
something. We say goodbye to friends, family, lovers, addictions, things….Life
is full of goodbyes. Some are harder than others…Some are necessary. Some
goodbyes break our hearts because they are the right thing to do. Other times,
goodbye feels good because you’ve finally taken control of your situation and
kicked whatever it is to the curb.
In my life, I’ve gotten familiar with goodbye. I’ve had to
say goodbye to things in my life that trip me up (food, parts of my thought
life), I’ve had to say goodbye to co-workers when I moved jobs and while I still
see them from time to time, it isn’t the same. I’ve said goodbye to one of my
best friends when she moved and got married. I said goodbye to my daddy when he
passed away. Recently, I had to say (sorta) goodbye to a great guy because timing
is a heartless b*tch and that sucks.
In all my goodbyes I’ve realized some things:
1. Goodbyes, whether
for the right reason or not, are always hard and most usually suck (for lack of
a better word). While they may be necessary, they can rip your friggin heart
right out of your chest. If any of you know me, you know I hate any sort of
emotional pain. I have been known to avoid shows (cough Friday Night Lights
cough) because they are emotionally draining on me. I know, I have issues. I
mean, those characters aren’t real but their stories mirror someone’s story
somewhere and I hate to know people hurt or are suffering. If it is someone I care
about…I can’t even. *Confessions of an over-feeler*
2. Goodbyes can steal your joy for a minute BUT the sun
comes back ‘round. As David Grey says, there is always a silver lining. PS, his
music is perfect for melancholy moments and he is on my Pandora at the moment,
only furthering my melancholy state. No worries, I’ll snap out of it….I just
need a minute to be sad.
3. Sometimes, being strong means being able to
let go. To say I struggle with this would be an understatement. I’m
notorious for NOT putting myself first. I don’t say that to brag but to confess
my mess. I am always too concerned with someone else’s situation and how I can
help or be there for them. However, I’m learning. Sometimes, you have to take assessment
of your feelings/emotions/thoughts etc and contrast them with the situation
that is causing the reaction you are having. Is it worth it? Is it healthy? Is
this making you better or tearing you down? At the end of the day, what are you
learning? I mentioned I had to sorta say goodbye to an excellent dude because
of timing. He
is so fun, cute, sweet, and smart, not ignorant, a hard worker, great dad, has
character and integrity…So, what is wrong with this picture, you ask? Well, he
is going through some things and not air his dirty (anonymous) laundry, he is a
bit emotionally unavailable right now in terms of commitment or exclusivity.
While I’m not looking for “serious” at the moment, I eventually want it. We met
on a dating site and there are other people in the mix, more-so on his side. I
can’t exist in that right now with the feelings I have for him. If it were
possible to take a month to see where it goes and if it works out great, if not
back to the site, then I’d be down with that but he cant. Right now, he needs
lots of light, easy beginnings because commitment is scary and I get that. I’m
sorry that I can’t be what he needs and he is sorry he can’t be what I need.
My point in this is, while it was very hard
for me to say that I had to “bench” myself, it was the right thing to do. It
was right for me for a million emotional reasons and it was right for him
because it isn’t fair for me to want something from him that he can’t give me…or
anyone right now. I wish I could be a
part of his healing journey. I wish I could show him that things would be
different, that there could be a woman out there who would desire every inch of
him all the time, who would love to do things for him because she wants to, a
chick who would appreciate the things he does and who he is and tell/show him. Alas…timing is a terrible
whore. 4. Goodbyes make you better, if you look at what you are learning in the midst of it. When my dad passed away, my niece was born at the same time. I was such a tornado of emotions. My father, whom I loved, just left his life but here was this precious new life just starting. I remember coming home and sitting on the couch with her. I just held her on my chest and she fell asleep after a particularly fantastic screaming fit and I eventually found much needed sleep in that moment. It was one of the most precious times in my life. I was able to see how goodbyes can bring about amazing hellos. I had to say goodbye to my dad but I am able to have a hello with my niece and she is so cool (12 years old now).
So…I’m hopeful for a new hello…I’m not sure what kind it
will be but I’m sure it is there. I have to trust this. I have to trust that
God knows my heart and what I need and is faithful to bring that around. I have
been through enough valleys in my life to know mountain tops eventually happen.
Life is messy, it brings joy, it brings pain and it brings healing. Winter
comes but spring is a promise we always have. We go through seasons in our
lives to learn, grow and change. While change scares the crap out of me, it is
a necessary evil.
Per usual, I turn to inspirational quotes to get me through:
“It’s not how you fall but how you rise.”
Xoxo
beanie
